What Depression Looks Like
“But you have such a great life you don’t have the right to feel yucky….”
Words I hate to hear. When I’m living in depression, I can’t help it.
Depression is sickness and the symptoms are just like any other sickness you can’t help.
The stigma of depression and mental health has to stop!
I struggle with depression. Most days I’ve been able to overcome it and then there are a few trigger days. This is a picture of when I was severely depressed. This is what depression looks like.
My Journey To Getting Well
What does your health mean to you? My health is everything now….I am so grateful for amazing health today. It’s been a journey
They are beginning to say that mental illness must be treated like any other sickness.
I remember finding out I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression…no one told me. I found out by reading my doctor’s computer screen and it looked like I was diagnosed in 2004??? But it’s 2015…what? These doctors think I’m crazy? There is no way I’m fu*king depressed….wait…how come no one told me?
This is what suicidal thoughts look like. I can remember about 4 times I actually began to plan a suicide. This is one of them:
This picture was taken the day I left my then 8 year on again, off again abusive relationship. I had spent so many days blaming myself and believing my abuser’s words “that I was no good.” In his words I was “white trash.” In Dec 2010, (18 months before this photo) I was sexually harassed at work. I didn’t know what to do but it broke me in so many ways. I did what a “good employee” does, I stayed quiet. I took one for the team, but then in 2011, I couldn’t stay quiet anymore so I had to report it.
Everything happened just like in the movies. I was so sick I couldn’t even look at him. My now ex husband became enraged with jealousy. He blamed me and said “I wanted it” that “it’s what I was going to work to do.” To get sexually harassed by a disgusting f*ck?? He thinks he can do and talk however he wants…and I stayed quiet. The shame I felt over it was horrible.
I was written up for staying quiet for 3 months and he was too written up…then the stuff that happens in the movie started happening more and more.
His boss treated me like shit and gave me so much grief almost daily. I had outed his best employee, how dare I? It was getting worse and worse and I couldn’t handle it, so I went to the regional support.
She told me “Annie, you have to be careful in everything you do with these guys…how you dress, how you work. This is you too, Annie…. it takes two”. Two for what exactly? I didn’t know how to respond. I believed her.
Things kept happening.
He got the promotions while I couldn’t get a single one.
This story wouldn’t fully be told without the support so a pause for that…the 3 angel women I worked with in the office were really quite wonderful about it all and I couldn’t have made it through without them. So great big hugs to them, they know who they are 🙂
I remember going home with the everyday abuse over and over about this for months. I would go into the shower and cry and cry. I began to plan how I would leave the world. I couldn’t take it. I don’t even recall how I stopped obsessing about my leaving the world. I think it’s because of miracles in my life.
Overcoming without prescriptions was a true miracle. To pull myself out of that mess was a blessing, in itself nothing short of it. I thank my mom for staying so strong for helping me overcome this horrible, horrible time in my life
And my friend who told me “you are exactly where you are supposed to be” miracle worker she is…..
Those words saved me. Maybe you need them today…”you are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Those words stopped me in my tracks. You are more powerful beyond measure. Write them down, even if you can’t believe it, it’s ok. I didn’t either.
I’m reminding you that it is okay to not be okay. But we can’t dwell on it. We have to have a way out.