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Dear Udy, #blacklivesmatter

I have been up at night for almost a week concerned about the murder of George Floyd. It broke me….so many people watching it over and over again and I couldn’t once I saw the evil look of Derek Chauvin looking into the camera as he knelt on his neck. I could only watch one of his screams “I cant breathe” and zero reaction from Derek.He was not letting up. He was murdering a man in the middle of the street in front of not only others, but a camera. I had to turn it off. I had seen just enough and later learned the remaining details through social media postings.

I know I can’t stay silent. I have been a supporter of the idea of #blacklivesmatter in the past….but from a way side. Maybe I was in the middle…I’d call it luke warm. I don’t know exactly, but what I do know is that I have been searching a wondering what to do since Trayvon Martin was murdered. I just couldn’t figure it out. When Ahmaud Arbery’s story broke….My eyes were shown that running down a black man like he is an animal still exists in 2020. I used to watch movies like “Mississippi Burning” and my heart broke to watch how African Americans were treated before civil rights was passed. But what rights were really passed? Not all….clearly not a fair right to trial…fair right when murdered that your killer isn’t brought to justice! There are a great many more, but it bothers me that in our laws are written there can be a little leeway to still get away with things.

Today I was soul searching and praying….meditating on everything going on in the world. A few weeks ago I read a book by Glennon Doyle called “Untammed” It has a chapter speaking directly to white women about Racism. It was really eye opening. And her thoughts were so right….and things so right that needed to be done that it scared me to my core. I knew I needed to get even more vulnerable to be able to help contribute to change. I wanted to follow Glennon’s actions and begin to do as she is leading white women to help contribute to the #blacklivesmatters movement. So I decided to write a letter to one of my African American Friends who I could see was broken by what had happen to George. While writing it I decided I would send it to more of my African American Friends and then now I’m posting it here for all the world to see. It is my heart to change and show others the way. I don’t proclaim to know the way, but I know that asking for help is a start.

Dear Udy,

I love your post. I love seeing parts of the  world are joining us in mourning, George’s murder. Some parts of world have watched our country continue to cover with a lie that “we are the most powerful/free  country”.  Many countries knew this was a lie (Stepford Wives lie) and many have sat back  and watched. All of us have…and by us I mean white people ….we’ve believed this lie and loved it. We let the lie continue to rob our hearts and minds. The enemy of our hearts has come to seek and destroy and the US has been evil’s playground. Evil has made our playground look like it’s fun and enjoyable and most defiantly has deceived us that comfort isn’t a drug but that comfort will complete us. Comfort is a drug.  I won’t stay/live in “comfort” ever again. 
I have found myself saying to myself all my life “I’m not racists” and at same time real instances where I for a moment would have a glimmer of racism  in me. Today this is my stance. I would hope any of us (white women means us) that have been mesmerized   by this lie ”that true equality exists.” becoming   mesmerized  by it, we have been a racists and it’s time to question our own hearts, our own souls, and  our own tolerance.   Believing this lie for so long I think as a white woman we are afraid to say anything because we really don’t fully understand what you feel or how you’ve suffered. As a white women I personally am afraid that if I truly care and speak out and want to help #blacklivesmatter  that maybe someone in African American community  will be offended and tell me I have no idea. I think a lot of us are afraid to fully speak out because we are afraid to hurt like you do. We are afraid to have our feelings hurt like you. We are afraid to be killed like you. We are afraid to bleed as you do. The hurt and the pain you feel…it’s time our white pride must come down!  Privileged  ego must be less….because we should hurt like you. We should know the pain. Our feelings should be hurt! We should feel as you because that is how we will truly have compassion and true understanding. I have so much more in my heart on this but too deep to get into. I hope the white woman is of the same mind set would feel this way…but I don’t want to assume “all”. So I now proclaim this feeling as just mine and proclaim ownership because I want change. 
I hurl my EGO at the foot of God and stay silent no longer. 
 I humbly ask. I don’t know what to do. What I’ve been taught in school never prepared me to take a stand here. To be so open and not covering up an issue any longer. The things I have learned is that amazing humans like Lincoln, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Malcom X, and   the few unknown (not famous for much) white peoples in movies who help equal rights  in movies like “Selma” …are murdered and assassinate  for  being the helpers….(dying for what you believe is admirable that they have died for this cause-but it’s a lie that if we help we only die) I believe I can fight and show my children to live equally to have an equal world while I’m alive If I die before it is fully equal, that true equality will exist in my children’s children. I believe we live in a world where I can serve and help the #blacklivesmatters movement without putting life at risk because the people who died are only a handful of people …and the truth is we are as humans an infinite power and we can not be stopped and the movement will win. And we will win because “on earth as it is in heaven” is how we are called to pray. My ask is …or maybe even better to say is that I don’t know what to do to help plan and strategize  like what Michael Santiago Render, Rapper “Killer Mike”, made a call to action in Atlanta …how can I serve you best? What can I do to be a helper ?  You are not my only letter that I write to. I have African American friends that I will write a similar letter that are in Colorado. As a white woman born into privilege, I will be one that admits this can not going on anymore. God open my eyes in 2015 that RACISM still exists  but now I can’t stay silent any longer. I now end this letter 
By asking God “on earth as it is in heaven. Detox any judgement I may have in me. Bring it out. I know I can be too proud ….Help me to connect even better to you,  my creator …God of the universe come….super naturally help and cure stomp on this lie that has stayed here too long.  We are all equal. You say in Genesis 4 that as Cain killed Abel and we try to hide it that you will unveil it. “ amen  

Annie

Genesis 4:10, ESV: “And the LORD said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood is crying to me from the ground.”

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