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I Love That Girl…Actually This Woman I have become in 2020!

I recently had a trip to TX which involved a beach trip with the “dreaded swimsuit!” I never had swimsuit issues until this year, and I had tried to find a new one but haven’t been able to. I’ve always had problems with my body but swimsuit was never an issue for some reason. This year I noticed that I put on about 35 lbs since January 2019! WOAH!! I’ve been kinda obsessed with figuring out me over the last 18 months! There just is this sweet “very quiet me” inside who went on a voyage in my mind. The fact that swimsuit wasn’t comfortable for me the last few months opened my eyes. Even more so since seeing this picture I chose for this post. I don’t know why but I’m always searching for a reason to love myself over hate it…now I’ve decided after my voyage in my mind is that I no longer need a reason. I love this woman (me) who I see in the picture because she’s been so brave and so courageous to take steps to be the very best mother, individual, and human I can be. OH my goodness to get here to 196 lbs and sincerely love that woman…love her larger stomach love her legs that now have zero gap now…love the tattoo that has seemed to stretch a little…I love that I had the courage to get here….so beautifully. So enjoyable. I love every moment of indulgence for love than the indulgence of hate I once had…to hide after I indulged on food. There is a difference to indulge for pleasure than to out of hate. I grew up where hoarding food is what I do what we all should do…I was programmed to really believe that I didn’t deserve good food that it needed to be hid. I didn’t struggle with weight as a kid, but always had this idea I was fat.

This is what I have found out about myself. I had to figure it out to get the place of LOVE again:

I decided lovingly 2 years ago that I had major body issues. I felt great but always obsessed about a number! I had to get rid of that number so I threw away the scale (actually my daughter had ketones one night and actually vomitted all over it so I saw that as universe also encouraging me to get rid of it). Not having a scale I became so brave with food! Introuducing soda and other liquid sugars back into my food! I added so many things that I turned down out of hate for myself. I feel like getting rid of the scale helped me to love myself for all the hate I gave it for so many years!

LESSON ONE WAS I LEARNED TO LOVE ME WITHOUT A SCALE

I have since slowly introduced a scale

LESSON TWO WAS THAT I LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF SLOWLY BUT SURELY WITH A SCALE

it’s now time to give that judgement and hate and hand it to God. I complelty trust God to handle it. It is normal to have these feelings and thoughts and it is also so important to remember that we have the choice of what stays up in our head and what needs to go.

LESSON THREE THAT I LEARNED IS THAT I LOVE HOW I FELT BEFORE 196.

I feel poopie. It hurts to bend over with this newly grown stomach. It litteraly phisically hurts me. I have heart burn often I have a hard time even walking the dog. My motivation is what it is right now but I do know I am more motivated with less junk going in my body. My back hurts…this is huge for me.

LESSON FOUR THAT I LEARNED IS THAT I LOVE ME AND THIS BODY IS JUST TEMPORARY PLACE TO GET ME WHERE I KNOW I’M SUPPOSED TO GO. I WILL DO MORE TO GET THAT NUMBER DOWN AND NOT JUST FOR ME (HAD TO BE FIRST) BUT BIGGER REASON IS FOR MY KIDS FOR MY FRIENDS FOR THOSE OF YOU I HAVEN’T MET YET.

LESSON FIVE-NOT ONLY DO I LOVE ME (THAT GIRL THIS WOMAN) I LOVE YOU! ALL ITS TIME TO DO LIFE WITH THOSE WHO WANT TO WITH ME.

P.S. I FOUND A SWIM SUIT!! and an amazing site www.albionfit.com! That’s a bonus I’ve learned is I have needed a swim that is not so much what I wore my whole life…just new change!

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