This Mother’s Day is really so interesting for me. Many reasons I could think of. My biggest one is I woke up feeling guilty. Guilty for what? I was trying to pinpoint what it was….I grew up with this guilt…it’s familiar. I think it’s called “CO-dependence” . I grew up in a home where my constant worry was that I wasn’t good enough that maybe I wouldn’t be the best or do what was expected of me. I’ve been working hard over the years to overcome this. The work seems pointless some days but I do see the blood sweat and tears pay off. Today I stayed still as I bathed in this guilt. I asked God to remove it. I hear the words of God “you are beautiful you are exactly where you’re supposed to be”
Down deep this is where that “guilt” false feeling comes from
- I have 2 moms. One loved me enough to give me a life that she saw as more loving than what I had with her…The other who selflessly raised me. She tried to treat me as her own…
- As mom who raised me has told me that she “tried” to “ I treat you and love you as my own” those words often reminded me that I wasn’t hers…I wasn’t born of her. I was born of someone else. It’s ok that I wasn’t her own. In effort to make me feel whole I think it may have back fired. Not as anyone’s fault.
- I’m not speaking to my mom who raised me right now. I haven’t seen her or spoken to her in 6 months. For reasons that can be seen from afar as “stupid” . But they aren’t. I don’t care to get into the reasons but what I do know is that its freeing not to be around what feels “like control and haste to me.” My reasons run deep in my dna. A healing is being done right now. And my creators prescription is “stay still and do nothing about it now .” I’m an adult now. I behave as an adult now. I’m not someone who can be “caged” anymore.
- I was raised to believe “my religion” (which is not how I identify my faith now) was a box and I certainly spent a lot of my life knowing I wasn’t caged and couldn’t be contained in a box. My religion has hurt me, people who are called Christians have hurt me. What was it that has hurt me? That a group of people had made me and others believe We had to be caged? This caged feeling is my guilt. God says take it out, put in on the altar. “Christianity is not my religion it’s not a faith” God tells me it is a description it’s a word to describe. For some it’s good and for you it has been hurt. It’s ok-I have created words to describe so people can find identity in who they are and who I am in them. Your word is different than what you were told and raised to believe. And that’s ok. That’s who you are in me.
- My Dad always said “you have to do this for mom ….you have to do that for mom…. you can’t say this” Over the years the “cants” interpreted by me were “you aren’t a good daughter unless” is that what he meant? My dad is so co dependent and his addiction to it has hurt me so much. He always chose my moms happiness over anyone else even his own. So that he wouldn’t know what it is to hurt again. Instead my hurt has come due to his addiction to please. I have found healing and forgiveness through God.
- Couple days ago I was reminded of broken hurtful relationships and why I chose them. I came to realization that I’ve always been looking for that perfect “mom relationship” perfect “dad relationship”. Real Interpretation/Realization— There is no such thing on earth.
- Guilty for breakfast in bed. Agh. So silly. It always has to be about everyone else l need it to be one day about me. It’s ok! Lol just giving myself grace to know and see I judge myself for staying in bed and taking it easy.
- Im spending my first Mother’s Day in years with my birth mom who actually gave me life. It makes me feel guilty because of other people around me’s insecurities and what I’ve been told to believe about her. So then I think I’m a bad daughter for loving two moms. Then I’m quickly to remind myself I’ve never had a choice in this and where God has brought me and so I’ve chosen to be grateful. Grateful that I have two moms. Grateful to know that I’ve got so many choices to spend my day and today I choose joy. To be in joy.
This is what I’ve learned about myself today. I learned the guilt is judgement. It’s judgement that I don’t believe I’m worthy of being celebrated. This is the first Mother’s Day that I have gotten something from kids on their own and they made me breakfast in bed. I’m sitting here understanding I still struggle to be appreciated and at same time know that is a step closer to loving myself more. It’s scary yet exciting. My gift to myself is to receive more love from my ultimate mother…God. I’m so grateful that God has lead me here. I’m here blameless and white as snow. The guilt is gone…Thank you God.