This was a FB LIVE and now loaded on YOUTUBE recorded at beginning of 2019. I was becoming more and more open to sharing with people about my personal struggles from the past. Here is the script below:
Being single for almost 7 years and what that’s like…it has actually been 6.5 but for some reason I’m always in a hurry to round up…which I need to stop doing that lol. First 4 years I dated…I dated 4-5 people one of them was my second x-husband which lasted a couple days…and thks one night New Year’s Eve 5 years ago …..and that’s my little baby miracle ash came from. And I’m so thankful for him his name means blessing and happy which he is i had a dream about my little boy as I was going through early times in pregnancy and God said his name shall be Asher. When writing this script the feelings of shame that I felt the first trimester in my pregnancy came up with the thought of telling the world this information that I’m about to tonight and I am quick to catch myself and literally send love back into my soul. Truth is. I judge myself still to this day about being single with 3 kids …..it’s defninatly not bad as I used to be.
Today I give myself a lot of grace . It’s hard to really explain why exactly I judge myself because honestly I have stayed completely single for the last 3 years on purpose ….zero dating. Zero thinking about dating…I think the judgement comes for a couple reasons. Many I won’t even bring up but there is this one thing that I find myself doing ….thinking about the idea that things should be perfect….but that’s not a reality is it? The truth is 8 years ago a woman asked me “you know you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be in life?”…and I stopped in my tracks and heard her as I had just finished telling her how imperfect I was. Those words changed my life from that day forward ! I knew I needed to stop working for a company 8 years ago that didn’t value me as a person and some how in my soul I knew that the abuse of my second husband was just becoming too much.
Next week I’ll be talking about being married twice and divorced twice. And to lead into into next weeks episode being through y’all that is what lead me to be single for as long as I have. There was a point when I got pregnant with Asher that I asked myself why do I keep making these decisions to be around people who treat me like dirt like I’m nothing. That I’m constantly trying to prove to others I am worthy….I had to go and find my worth and where I found my worth was within me. It’s honestly amazing. To get here was def not amazing there were days that were great but a great many that were not! I withheld and was abstinence for 3 years and not to mention I wanted to know myself even more I stopped numbing any feelings whether good or bad with any alcohol. So for 18 months I quit drinking so that I could go for some career goals and instead realized that it wasn’t business it was personal. I did learn that in order to build business you need lil alcohol ..I learned how to turn those feelings I was afraid of that I was trying to numb into the idea of matching up and aligning with who I am becoming.
I find that I have always been a compassionate person to others…but not companionate to myself. I learned to be absolutely compassionate to me along with sending out more loving-kindness to others. And giving myself grace I learned to be even more understanding and open minded. People don’t understand the no intimacy thing for 3 years and I don’t even expect people to understand this. I sometimes don’t fully understand but what I do know now is I learned what I was doing wrong in the past and learned triggers for what I can do to make things better in future.
So here I am single and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Actually I’m opposite of single—I’m whole—-possible “whole-y” single. Learning to judge myself less and less….This past October I knew it was time to start dating again. I’ve dated a few and met a few in a bar made some fun friends in process. and at this time I choose to be wholly single because it’s just what is right…. zero expectations….and when it’s right to be be in a relationship the exact person will come into my life and in the exact right time and I will no longer walk in this life without a spouse. I am honestly so excited to see who I meet in this process. I’m so excited to see what happens—and I am so grateful to be in a place that I can just say. I’m single with zero other labels and just roughing it like so many other great adventures I’ve done in life. And I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be…and so I’ll keep sticking to that. I’ve reached out to you before and I bring in to Facebook land and honestly this is going on my blog and you tube. This is a casting call…for those of you who may know someone who you think I should meet. I went out on a date with someone that was set up with me in Nov and it was amazing! Not the right fit and what I loved about it is I didn’t take it so seriously. And so that’s why I send out this invitation now….Life is fun and I’m just beginning to have fun. Getting creative with life!!
UPDATE ON MY CASTING CALL: I am seriously dating a wonderful man